Chasing dreams and wanting different things

There’s certainly no such thing as a perfect break up. As the name suggests, when something breaks it often hurts. Something shatters and you have to be careful not to cut yourself as you pick up the fragments of broken glass. Perhaps it’s called a break ‘up’ because afterwards, everything is up in the air. You question everything. Your future, your beliefs, what you really want in life. You’re looking at all these pieces that have delicately been interconnected for several years hurtling through the air and all you can do is watch and hope you don’t get too hurt.

Sometimes break ups are defined by betrayal, anger or deceit (I’ve been there). Sometimes it’s moving, taking up that dream job interstate or having to return home once your visa expires (also been there). But what happens if there’s no catalyst for your break up? What if, one day you look at each other and you realise, you just want different things?

This is the situation I found myself in a few months ago. And let me tell you, it was extremely difficult. Rewind a few months before that and I was actually planning on packing up my life and moving to Mongolia to work (it’s a long story – basically I found myself a dream opportunity and it happened to be in Ulaanbaatar). Balancing these two desires – the desire to maintain your relationship and follow your dreams – is challenging enough under normal circumstances. It’s even harder when you admit and accept the path you’re on could take you somewhere like Mongolia (and honestly if not Mongolia, Vietnam, Japan, Canada or France). What’s even harder than that, is the moment your partner looks at you and says ‘that’s not what I want.’

When COVID-19 happened and the world went into lockdown, suddenly everything I believed in, was working for, and deeply cared about -travel, adventure, curiosity, connection – felt torn away. My whole life I’d been told that my life was mine to control (ha how naive). That if you worked hard, you could achieve anything (ha how privileged). From a young age, I came to realise that my love of travel was something more than a two-week holiday to the Gold Coast or Bali. It was an identity, a badge that I wore with pride. It was something that I felt defined me, down to my core belief systems.

I’ve been doing this for the majority of my life. From a young age, we moved around Australia (NSW > South Australia > Queensland > NSW), I turned 16 in New Zealand on exchange (my first ever overseas trip over 10 years ago!). I’ve been lucky enough to live around the world, London, France, Canada, Mexico, and I hope there’s many more opportunities like that to come. Mongolia was nearly added to the list.

I always wondered why it was that I was so drawn to travel and living overseas. After all, when your partner doesn’t want the same thing as you, it inherently makes you question why you want those things. Is it just to take photos for Instagram? Is it to spend drunk nights bar hopping around foreign cities? Is it to escape the stress of ‘reality’ in Australia? It wasn’t really until travel was off the table that I reflected on why it was so important to me.

For me, it aligns to deeply with my values of connection, adventure, living a life of purpose, curiosity and constantly learning. Of course, there are always other ways to seek out these things – all of which are equally exciting and valid in their own right. But for me I have never felt more ‘me’ than when I’ve been in a foreign country. When I’ve been fiercely independent, lost in new streets and knew that it was entirely up to me to navigate and shape the life I wanted in this new place.

I am so fortunate that I’ve been able to have the opportunities I’ve had. I’m so lucky and I’ve done nothing to deserve it. Once you get a taste for chasing your dreams, it’s hard to let go.

Which brings me to the moment when we looked at each other late one night, the ghost of my near move to Mongolia, the growing inevitability of a move to Sydney to be closer to work, and the realisation that Sydney and Mongolia meant more than just different living situations. She said the words first. I fought it. I blinked back tears. I didn’t want to accept it. But she had so simply and sweetly voiced what we had both obviously been thinking. Our paths were taking us in different directions, and we realised it was more than just wanting to live in different places.

It’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. But I tell you, loss fucking sucks. There’s not much worse than coming to terms with the fact that your romantic relationship is coming to an end. But I think something that would be worse is staying in a relationship, not chasing your dreams and end up regretting it – or even worse – resenting the other person. There’s no right or wrong choice, it’s just the choices you have in front of you at any given time.

COVID and the huge shift the world has felt has made me realise what is deeply important to me. My non negotiables. The dreams that are so big they scare me. It was an overdue reminder that life is so fucking short. We’re only on this earth for such a limited amount of time, and I honestly couldn’t bare it if I didn’t at least pursue or explore what is deeply burning within me.

What just might be the hardest part of this breakup is the question of love. Where does it go? Just because you want different things, doesn’t mean that you suddenly don’t love the other person. In fact, I think by accepting the fact that you’re on different paths, and actively choosing to navigate this tricky space with respect, shows how much you love them. Is the hardest breakup, not one filled with hate and betrayal, but one filled with love?

In these times, where things feel uncertain, overwhelming and just plain crazy, know what your values are, explore what your dreams are and hold on tight. Sometimes the hardest thing you’ll have to do is put all of your faith in yourself, but honestly, what if you actually get what you dreamed of? Again, it’s better to chase a dream and not reach it, than have no dream at all.

Of course, I am saddened by the end of this beautiful relationship. But I am delighted that the relationship continues as a caring and respectful friendship, and I am so grateful for all of the memories and experiences we shared together. No one knows what’s coming next, heck I don’t even know if 2020 knows what’s coming next, but I truly believe it will be great. I am determined and I’m chasing that dream.

50 Stupid Thoughts After A Break Up

Break ups are not easy. There’s no right way to break up and there’s certainly no ‘ideal’ break up situation. People’s feelings get hurt, there’s tears, anger, resentment, confusion and a lot of chocolate and alcohol involved after the fact. I consider myself a pretty intelligent human and if you’re reading this, then I absolutely know you’re an intelligent human (mainly because you decided to read my blog, and that my friend is a good choice). I think the hardest thing about breaking up for us intelligent people, is that we have fucking dumb thoughts. Like ridiculous, where did that even come from, thoughts. As I’m sure someone famous once said, writing eases the pain. And whilst I’m not in pain anymore, it’s a good reminder to myself and others that despite having these crazy thoughts, you’re doing your best at the time and that’s all that you can ask of yourself.

And I thought I would share with you 50 Stupid (and not so stupid) thoughts I had after my break up. 

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  1. Oh no. Am I ugly crying or cute crying?
  2. I didn’t see it ending like this.
  3. Why do breakups end how they start? Stomach knotted with butterflies and repeatedly asking your friends what you should reply to their text.
  4. What should I change my profile picture to?
  5. Now I don’t have to feel guilty about wanting to spend my Friday night alone watching Sex and the City.
  6. OMG I’m going to spend every Friday night alone watching Sex and the City.
  7. When do I get back on Tinder?
  8. Yay Tinder!
  9. Uh TInder….
  10. I’ll never love again.
  11. Maybe I have all the love I need.
  12. Maybe the lump on my neck is too much to handle.
  13. Maybe I’m too much to handle.
  14. Wow my friends are amazing. I’m so lucky.
  15. Being single is the best thing ever!
  16. Who am I without a boyfriend?
  17. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.
  18. He’s obviously not the one for me.
  19. All I want in life is to be happy.
  20. What if I’m never happy again?
  21. I’m going to start running.
  22. Ooh look at me go, trying new things.
  23. Fuck this, I’m getting pizza.
  24. My friends tell me I deserve better… yea I do deserve better.
  25. Maybe I’m being too nice.
  26. Should I text them?
  27. Maybe I’ll just post an story on Instagram.
  28. OMG they sent me a snapchat!
  29. I shouldn’t reply.
  30. Fuck, I just replied.
  31. I’m just going to leave my phone at home and go for a run.
  32. Nah, I’ll just go and pick up some pizza.
  33. I’m going to focus on work.
  34. And study. I am a total boss.
  35. Wow my life is so great.
  36. *goes to bed at night* I have no one.
  37. I’m handling this so well.
  38. Come on heart, catch up.
  39. There’s a cute dog, they will appreciate a snap of this.
  40. Oh right, we broke up.
  41. They would look so good in – oh wait, yep, still broken up.
  42. We can still be friends, right?
  43. Why do people keep asking me about them?
  44. I’m angry, hurt, disappointed.
  45. But I don’t have hard feelings.
  46. I don’t have room in my life for negativity, hatred or unkindness.
  47. I miss you.
  48. It’s going to be OK.
  49. When am I going to have sex again?
  50. I am enough (not a stupid thought).