Gay, bi, lezzo, dyke, straight girl… let’s face it, sexuality is far from straightforward.
But up until this year I thought it was. If you’ve known me for a few years or been following my journey throughout life, you would know that I’ve been pretty boy crazy. My first ever crush was Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean which perhaps foreshadowed my questionable choices in men. Nonetheless, I identified as straight because I had only kissed and dated boys.
But this wasn’t to say that I wasn’t equally attracted to Keira Knightley in Pirates of the Caribbean. I thought she was super attractive (but then again it is Keira Knightley so who doesn’t?!) but this was different. I just never mentioned it out loud. There had always been a part of me that noticed girls in a romantic and sexual way but in this hetero dominated world I kind of just pushed it aside.
Why did I push it aside? You could analyse this until the world ends, but in my mind, it seemed a simpler choice to be with boys. Honestly – boys are predictable, they play games and I knew the rules. It also meant that I didn’t have to have another identity crisis or deal with confronting questions that I perhaps wasn’t quite ready to face. It was what everyone else was doing and I just wanted to fit in like them.
This isn’t to discount my previous partners or the relationships. They are what they are and I wouldn’t change anything. The experiences shared and memories created, both good and bad, are there to stay. I don’t regret anything and wouldn’t change a thing, because otherwise, I may not be where I am today. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and the moon or some other spiritual entity is guiding us through life for a very specific reason.
And I think I found it. I now find myself in an amazing relationship with the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. I feel like I’m the best version of myself when I’m with her. She’s intelligent, hilarious, has a wicked sense of fashion, she’s sexy, kind, considerate and humble. She’s like sunshine and makes me see the world in a new light. For that, I don’t think I’ll ever really be able to thank her enough.
Feeling these things in a relationship is pretty magical, and for me, gender really doesn’t play a big part in it. Whilst other people may look at us and see two women holding hands down the street, I see two souls intertwined.
So does this mean I’ve been turned off men forever?
I still think Miguel is HOT AF. But I also think there are an endless amount of women that I think are hot as well, ahem, Scarlett Johansen, Rihanna, Sophie Washington… there are some beautiful people in the world and I can appreciate a lot of them.
Does this mean I’m a lesbian now?
Call me what you will. The most important thing I’ve come to realise is that labels are just labels. They may help some but for me personally, they don’t add value to who I am and who I love. I think people can get really caught up in this label game (myself included) and you might just find that it’s more destructive than it is constructive. So why spend your time, energy and worry on whether you’re this or that, when you could just focus on what makes you happy. Call me what you will, but call me happy.
I’m pretty stoked I’ve been able to have this genuine experience and connection with someone but also with myself. It makes me sad to think that I could have easily gone my whole life suppressing this part of who I am. Completely rejecting something that is embedded in my heart. I feel so lucky and honoured to be able to freely express my love for someone and people across the world should feel safe and free to do the same.
I know there’s no need for me to write about this and address my sexuality publicly. But I wanted to. Firstly because I blog about nearly everything else in my life. And secondly, because I think it’s important for me to tell people my story from my point of view. Just as I would encourage others to tell their stories for themselves. We live in a wacky world and the only way forward is through human connection, understanding, and love. I know there’s a million other blog posts and videos about coming out and probably titled ‘My Sexuality,’ but this is my story which makes it special in its own way. I’m not doing this for attention, or likes, or validation. I’m doing this for myself.
I may be in love with a woman, but there’s a lot more to me than that. I’m also a red head, a student, a dancer (and a good one at that!), a blogger, a writer, a storyteller and fellow human being, and my story is for me and anyone who might find joy in it.
I want to say that I acknowledge my immense privilege in being able to post this. I am extremely fortunate to have a supportive and understanding family and friend group. They have been so accepting along my journey and I know that not everyone has the same luxury. In addition, I am a white, university-educated, middle-class Australian woman and I realise that with these traits, I possess a lot more privilege than others. This is why I am motivated to share my story to inspire others to do the same.
Whilst feeling that I belong in the LGBTQI community in one way or another, this is not to say that my experiences are universal. Other people may intersect with this community and that itself has various associated challenges. Being a person of colour, Indigenous, transgender, undocumented, a migrant… all of these factor into someone’s experience of being queer and I acknowledge and want to learn more about these people’s journey.
Additionally, by referring to myself as gay, I completely acknowledge that it’s pretty easy for me to waltz on in and declare myself as gay or bi or whatever I want to call myself. I understand and respect the joys, obstacles, challenges, and celebrations of being gay and all that may come with that label. I in no way wish to appropriate decades of struggle for recognition and equality as my own. But I am a part of this group and I have and will continue to fight for equality because not only because it affects me, but it affects fellow human beings and that just ain’t right.
And finally, I acknowledge that even having the opportunity to write about this on a public platform and share it for the world to see is incredibly privileged. It was only last year that Australia legalized gay marriage. Being gay was illegal in Australia until 1997. Across the world today there are dozens of countries where being gay is criminalized and illegal. Whilst I am lucky I have the opportunity to share my experiences, I acknowledge that many others do not and cannot.
Whilst I am confident and proud of myself for putting this post out into the blogosphere, I can’t deny my anxiety about its reception. Whether it’s from friends, family, colleagues or acquaintances. It’s scary being vulnerable but I’d rather be true to who I am if people don’t understand then they can kindly move along.